


First Contact

by TenSpencerRiedPlease



Category: Captain America (Movies), Guardians of the Galaxy (Movies), Iron Man (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe, BAMF Peter Quill, Crack, I Don't Even Know, M/M, Sassy Peter Quill
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-20
Updated: 2018-12-20
Packaged: 2019-09-23 07:30:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17076029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TenSpencerRiedPlease/pseuds/TenSpencerRiedPlease
Summary: Its kind of funny, watching people freak out about it on the news except that maybe whatever is happening in the sky might have some kind of affect on earth and no one knows what that’ll be. So they all watch, anxiously, as NASA tries to make contact, as governments debate on attack, and conspiracy theorists claim its Russia or some other country.Nothing really pans out so they wait, watching as the thing in the sky gets larger and, eventually, becomes almost like an extra bright star a little closer than the moon.





	First Contact

**Author's Note:**

> I honestly just wanted Peter being a dick and making a planet right by earth only to be like 'hey neighbors moon is mine now' and fuck off with one of earths Best and Brightest and also Bucky.

Its kind of funny, watching people freak out about it on the news except that maybe whatever is happening in the sky might have some kind of affect on earth and no one knows what that’ll be. So they all watch, anxiously, as NASA tries to make contact, as governments debate on attack, and conspiracy theorists claim its Russia or some other country. Tony, unfortunately, hears a lot about the early developing of conspiracy theories from Bucky, who is near compelled to look up stupid shit.

Nothing really pans out so they wait, watching as the thing in the sky gets larger and, eventually, becomes almost like an extra bright star a little closer than the moon. When the alien who built what appears to be a planet makes first contact Tony is trying to have a decent date with Bucky so he can propose but no, he can’t even do  _that_  without some alien screwing it up.

He stands there, and Tony will not admit out loud to  _anyone_  that he finds the alien attractive, and grins. “Hey,” he says, which has to be the fucking dumbest first contact quote that will ever exist.

Oh wait, it’ll be the  _only_  one to ever exist.

Tony frowns, “why do you have an American accent if you’re an alien?” he asks and Bucky gasps beside him.

“You can’t just ask why people have American accents, Tony,” he says and honestly he’s sure Tiny Fey didn’t think she’d end up historically relevant because Tony Stark started dating a conspiracy theory nut he got into an argument with on Reddit over the absolute stupidity of pretty much every conspiracy theory ever only for him to bastardize a quote from Mean Girls after a fucking alien showed up to talk to humans. There’s a lot of really weird coincidences that have to happen all in a row for some random movie about teenage girls to become historically relevant for all of human existence.

“I’m from Missouri,” the alien says, seemingly delighted by this entire interaction not that Tony knows that’s true. Just because the alien looks human doesn’t mean they are and he knows the pitfalls of assuming the behaviors of other species based on human assumptions- the entire history of the study of animals has proven that’s a bad idea sufficiently.

“Like... the state?” Tony asks and even Bucky looks at him like he’s an idiot but that’s fucking rude. For all he knows there’s a planet out there called Missouri and it’s a weird coincidence. Best to cover his bases.

The alien laughs, “I mean yeah, the fuck else would I be talking about?” he asks. Asshole.

“Its not like I have an updated map of planets and shit, its not  _totally_  out of the question to consider the possibility that there is somewhere else in space with the name ‘Missouri’. I mean how many Londons do we have on earth?” he points out.

“Hi, I’m Bucky. Please don’t kill humanity- I mean if you do we are a... fucking awful species, but you know I  _do_  value my life so I would very much like if you didn’t kill us all,” he says. God, this is the worst conversation ever and there’s going to be fucking grad students writing papers about it for centuries. This is awful.

“Nah, I don’t wanna kill anyone. I just thought I’d fuck with you guys and build my planet next to the moon,” he says. 

“So... we’ve been...  _trolled_  by an alien?” Tony asks more than states.

Bucky grins, “I’m so excited about the amount of memeology people in the future are going to have to do to understand that reference.”

Tony lets out a long sigh and rubs his temples, “on behalf of all of humanity- future grad students, I’m sorry I ever decided to date a conspiracy nut who happened to be lingering around when aliens made first contact and decided it was relevant to use the word ‘memeology’, requiring you to do extensive anthropological research into internet culture to understand what the fuck that means. Its the study of memes, by the way, which are basically funny text posts, images, or videos that carry a specific theme or message that become popular among internet users. Its also not even a real word and its  _barely_  relevant to the word ‘troll’, which is someone who uses memes in a way that’s generally designed to be an asshole. Or in the case of our alien friend, someone who does something fuck with people for a laugh.”

The alien laughs, grinning wide. “Its so nice of you to take the mystery out of that for future students,” he says. “I’m Peter by the way, and that funky little planet by the moon is mine. Tell NASA to stop screaming it at.”

*

Peter is a real asshole, but the kind who mostly avoids being an asshole to people who don’t deserve it. He pretty much refuses to cooperate with anyone who isn’t Tony on account of no one being able to tell him to get out of the sky. No one owns space, he argued, and also he’s a celestial so they can try whatever but he has god-like powers so they’ll all fail. Tony laughs at Bucky’s conclusion that Peter is the fun version of Clark Kent from the Superman comics and honestly Tony agrees. He never was a Clark fan on account of him being too good a person- perfection is a hard sell to a flawed audience. Peter, however, is a perfect blend of jackass and funny and he’s cute too.

He’s also apparently half human, which explains why he’s so human looking though he did inform them that celestials can look like whatever. Its just that he came out looking human and never really chose to make a permanent change outside of what he dubbed his Purple Phase. Bucky had been fucking  _enthused_  to learn his mother’s name- Meredith Quill- and linked it back to some butty conspiracy that, against the odds,  _did_  end up being aliens.

He’d be jealous, he supposes, of the way Bucky ends up taking a shine to Peter if he wasn’t also in the same boat. Bucky and Peter like shitty musicals, he and Peter love space ships and blowing shit up. Okay, Bucky likes blowing shit up too but still. So when they get an invite to Peter’s planet they take it.

*

Tony is impressed with the way he’s managed to make tech that works on another planet, not that he’s entirely surprised. He  _did_  intend the stuff to work for long distance communication. Rhodey insisted on account of him thinking Peter is creepy and probably prepared to lay eggs in Tony’s ass or something. Obviously that’s absurd though Peter does inform him that he  _could_  technically do that if he wanted to. Tony tells him to  _not_.

Still, when his Twitter notifications start going nuts he gets annoyed enough to pull out his phone and immediately rolls his eyes. All this fuss over Bucky tweeting shit he should keep to himself.

 _lol just fucked an alien_.

Tony, because fans are losing their ever loving  _shit_  decides to put them all out of their ‘grab a stick to beat Bucky with’ misery and responds with 

 _chill it was a threesome_.

When Peter, who appropriately named himself ‘ArmstrongSuckMyMoon’ on Twitter, sees it he decides to confirm it for funsies.

*

Peter grins, throwing himself onto the couch with no worries about squishing Bucky and Tony. They’ve learned not to care that Peter has zero boundaries when it comes to physical contact on account of he’s got a hot bod. “I’m so exited, earth basically gave me sovereign state rights which like, I already had, but its fun to be the king of my own planet now officially on another planet. But you guys are fighting pretty hard for the moon.”

Which Peter decided to declare his own for no reason other than to say ‘the moon is mine’. “Do we even need the moon?” Bucky asks.

“As a planet or like for research? Because the moon has a use for the planet- tides being a big one,” Tony says.

“No, like do we need to own it? Who does the moon belong to? Its a moon. moon belongs to the moon,” Bucky says.

“Say ‘moon’ one more time,” Peter says.

Bucky grins, “moon.”

Tony sighs. These two idiots are going to kill him. “Why do  _you_  want the moon?” he asks Peter.

He shrugs, “so I can say I own the moon.”

“You already have a planet, don’t get greedy,” Tony tells him.

Peter makes an offended noise. “But I  _made_ this planet that doesn’t even count!” He’s whining and Tony is having none of it so he shakes his head.

“The planet counts, Peter, stop trying to fight earth for the moon.”

“I’m going to vanish your moon and I’ll be your new moon and we’ll see how you guys like  _that_ ,” Peter says, nose in the air.

Tony sighs because he’s certain Peter can figure out how to get rid of the moon somehow just to be a dick. “If you  _insist_  on taking our moon at least give people warning so they can take pictures.”

“Fuck your pictures, moons mine now.”

*

Pepper gives him a  _look_. “You slept with the alien and are encouraging him to steal the moon. Stop it,” she says.

“People think its funny, sales are up because my name is associated with the funny alien who wants the moon,” he says. This isn’t a bad thing, she can use that and frankly this is a less terrible controversy than the ones he’s usually attached to.

“If there’s a sex tape destroy it,” Pepper says and case and point- he has like five sex tapes so Peter declaring the moon is his frankly isn’t that bad.

“There’s no sex tape it was a spur of the moment thing.” Peter is good at talking people into things. He convinced Bucky to climb into this funky tree that’s apparently popular on some other planet even though he’s afraid of heights. He also convinced Tony to try his weird botany experiments and none of the fruits were good. Two poisoned him. Bucky thought it was funny until he ended up in a medical emergency but thankfully Peter is decent with medical stuff and fixed him. Or used his celestial powers, Tony isn’t sure what the limits to them are and he doesn’t think Peter does either with the way he experiments with his power daily. There’s two hundred and thirty dick topiaries growing in his front yard, which NASA now has pictures of. People thought  _that_  was hilarious. Or vulgar, depends on how much they hate fun.

“Tony please stop consorting with the alien. Or at least get some useful information. What’s he want with the moon?” she asks and  _there’s_  the reason she’s calling.

“Ross, get your crusty ass out of my closet,” he tells the man because he  _knows_  its Ross behind this. “Peter wants the moon to say he has the moon. If he wanted to launch an attack A- he would have. And B- we’d be fucked. So like... deal with it.”

“You can tell your scientists that celestial spunk isn’t poisonous to humans!” Peter yells from somewhere in the background. The  _wheeze_  Bucky lets out might be hilarious if not for the fact that this is a serious conversation. Tony sighs and ends the video call for Pepper’s dignity.

Of course he didn’t expect her to take his insistence that his weird relationship with Peter is good for business and air the video to the rest of the world. They all, incidentally, find Bucky’s wheeze hilarious. And also the expression on Tony’s face. Actually, the entire thing became a meme. Future grad students are going to have a fucking heyday with this.

*

“Do you guys miss the earth?” Peter asks somewhat unexpectedly.

Bucky shakes his head, “nope. Population of three is fine by me. We are lacking diversity though,” he says.

Tony looks between himself, Peter, and Bucky and notes that actually that’s a good point. “We should bring Rhodey over,” he says.

“And Steve,” Bucky adds.

Tony squints, “how’s another white dude diversity? We should leave Steve, bring Sam.”

“You just don’t like Steve,” Bucky mumbles and its true, he doesn’t like Steve and Sam is hilarious. He feels bad for the guy, ending up with Steve fucking Rogers. The man deserves better.

“Maybe we need women,” Peter says. “They might try and get me to take down the dick topiaries though.” He gives the nearest dick tree a forlorn look and Tony rolls his eyes.

“Make vagina ones. Equality,” he says. “Maybe some ambiguous ones for fun, keep NASA guessing, give intersex people a chance,” he adds.

Peter snorts, “yeah that’s great, I should do that. All junk is welcome in my yard unless its garbage, then you’re kicked off the fucking planet.” Bucky laughs and Tony considers.

“I mean, if you’re going to insist on women Hope van Dyne is a good choice. Riri Williams is technically underage, but brilliant, so she could probably help you out with your botany issues among other things. Kamala’s an intern, but she’s funny and I like her. Should bring Peter, Ned, and Miles if you bring her though. Teenagers need socialization,” he says.

Peter wrinkles his nose. “This is a child free planet. No children allowed.”

“Bye, then,” Bucky says and Tony cracks up, especially when Peter has the nerve to be as offended as he is.

*

Hope doesn’t look impressed by the vagina topiaries but maybe that’s because Bucky is currently sitting under the clitoris reading a book. “Men shouldn’t be allowed to build planets,” she decides. “Even if they’re alien men. Why’s the dirt purple?”

“He said he wanted gay dirt,” Bucky says and Hope lets out a long sigh.

“I want off this planet.”

**Author's Note:**

> [My writing Tumblr](https://tenspencerriedplease.tumblr.com/)


End file.
